ranzware
After a week off I’ve had to spend the morning catching up on my email, which means deleting 99% of my email. “Utilize AI to engage your website visitors!” Delete. “Which influencers made the most money in 2024?” Delete. “Holiday pics from Mom & Dad!” Delete. “Important information about your tenuous employment status at PC Gamer, please read!” Delete.
But here’s one that caught my eye: “Limited-Edition ‘Trigger Mug’ Blends Gaming Technology with Culture of Tea Drinking.”
Okay, you’ve got my attention. I like tea, I’m undecided on culture, but boy oh boy do I ever like it when gaming technology is blended with stuff. Tell me more about this “Trigger Mug,” unsolicited email!
“Research in Saudi Arabia shows that tea is the favorite beverage among gamers, who enjoy its steady energizing, and focus-boosting effects during extended gaming sessions,” the email explains. “However, mobile gamers face a common challenge: the need to remove one hand from their device for a sip of tea, often leading to in-game elimination.”
I sink back into my chair, fingers steepled at my chin. “Indeed,” I say, frowning in thought. “Sipping tea does lead to getting eliminated from games. Often. Often! But there’s no solution to this eternal dilemma, so why prattle on about it? I’m a busy man.”
I hover my mouse pointer over the delete button, but the email stops me in my tracks with a shocking revelation.
“The Trigger Mug integrates existing mobile gaming technology into an elegantly designed tea mug, allowing players to maintain full gaming control while enjoying their favorite Rabea blend. The mug features precision triggers and an ergonomic design optimized for popular mobile battle royale games.”
And then I see it. The mug itself. The Trigger Mug. The mug… with a trigger on it.
“Rabea, a heritage Saudi Arabian tea brand unveils a groundbreaking limited-edition innovation that seamlessly blends gaming technology with the long-standing Saudi culture of tea drinking: the Rabea Trigger Mug.”
My… God. They’ve done it. They’ve finally done it. They made a gun I can drink from. A mug I can shoot with. It’s got the utilitarian black molded plastic look of a Helldivers 2 grenade, but I can put my wet mouth on it and slurp.
And it’s so electronic. It keeps my tea warm, but also allows me to keep playing a mobile battle royale game by using the built-in trigger. Although… how the hell does that work, exactly?
“THE TRIGGER MUG FEATURES AN ACCELEROMETER, GYROSCOPE, AND A TRIGGER THAT KEEPS YOUR TEA HOT AND YOUR GAMEPLAY EVEN HOTTER,” the website loudly explains.
I’m still a bit lost. So if the mug has a gyroscope, I’m aiming with the mug? While I’m sipping? Can you sip from something you’re wiggling around to aim?
“RETRACTABLE ANTI-LEAK PHYSICAL SEAL,” the website insists. “WIRELESS ANATOMICAL TRIGGER. ANTI-IMPACT POLYMER.”
There’s a video in the included presskit with blaring electronic music and slow-motion closeups of the mug rotating. The video makes me want to lick the mug, perhaps even caress it, but it doesn’t show someone using it to play a mobile game while sipping from it. There is another picture of the mug next to a phone. Does that help?
That picture does help a little. I see phone. I see game. I see sexy gun mug.
“MOBILE BLUETOOTH OPERATED MACHINE MUG,” the website screams.
OK, I’m sold. Sure, there’s a small chance that sipping tea while gaming isn’t an actual problem that needs to be solved because you could simply wait for the round to end to take a drink. Also, you still kinda have to look away from the game while pouring tea in your face. And, straws exist.
But who am I kidding? It’s far more likely the only solution to this very real problem is an electronic mug with a goddamn gun stuck to it. You can find out more about the Trigger Mug at the official website.
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Kurt Indovina
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