The Nintendo Switch 2 looks like a Steam Deck but worse

The world looked upon the Nintendo Switch 2, and saw that it was good. Or is it? Observe its enlarged, bezel-shaved screen. Its all-black colour scheme. Its redesigned, more sculpted controllers. Clearly, this is a naked attempt at ripping off and cashing in on the real best gaming handheld of 2025, the Steam Deck.

I, for one, won’t stand for it. Here are five reasons why everyone excited about the Switch 2 is wrong, and should buy a Steam Deck instead. Or maybe the Steam Deck OLED, that one’s better.

1. The Switch 2’s shoulder triggers don’t travel as far

Look at that tiny clearance betwixt button and chassis. Sir, your travel depth is as shallow as your knowledge of ergonomics.

Now behold the vast, deep-pressing girth of the Steam Deck triggers – you could land a plane on that, and not just because I’ve massively zoomed in the photo.

2. The Switch 2 still uses convex thumbsticks, ignoring current thumb shape trends

I know over twenty people and none of them have a single thumb, let alone two, that curves inwards at the tip. As such, the Switch 2’s thumbsticks make no sense, unlike the concave sticks of the Steam Deck that will nestle your digits like a kitten in a fruit bowl.

3. The Switch 2 vents are smaller so you can’t huff as much vent-smell

I don’t care what Valve says, this is my right as a consumer. Are you going to let Nintendo take away your rights?

4. The Switch 2 controllers can’t transform into gaming mice

This is actually a feature of the Lenovo Legion Go, rather than the Steam Deck. But the Steam Deck is a better handheld than the Legion Go, and since the Switch 2’s lack of improvised mouse sensors make it worse than the Legion Go, that means it’s also worse than the Steam Deck.

5. The Switch 2 runs Mario Kart and I hate Mario Kart because my friend Nathan always beats me at it

Why should the best driver be determined by the contents of magic boxes, it’s a stupid game