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For a group on a quest to save the world, the Final Fantasy 7 crew sure knows how to take it easy. Hardly an hour goes by in Rebirth without a new minigame popping up, Cloud and co. constantly taking a break to ride dolphins or work out at the gym or play some cards. It’s a veritable amusement park in digital form (literally in the case of the Gold Saucer), almost overwhelming with how much there is to do and see. Luckily for everyone, I’m here to guide you around the park like that one friend who knows way too much about Disneyland, and let you know which minigames are worth putting the planet at risk for, and which will have you begging for Sephiroth to hurry up and end it all.
The Criteria
Number of entries: 18
What’s included: Any minigame you can return to once unlocking and replay as many times as you’d like.
What’s not included: Story dependent events and activities that, once finished, can’t be revisited without chapter select (sorry to all the Junon March fans).
18. Glide de Chocobo
What are we even doing here? Fly your Chocobo through rings in the Cosmo Canyon. At least Superman 64 had a little novelty due to how apocalyptically bad its hoop soaring was, but with awkward controls and heaps of dead air, this is as boring as it is uninspired.
17. Moogle Mischief
I always thought I loved moogles. And then I played Moogle Mischief. This minigame has one mission: to make you hate those little furball brats, and boy does it succeed. Herding up young mooglets (awful word, by the way) is about as fun as trying to wrangle up a group of three year olds, so… not.
16. Hustle de Chocobo
A message to all chocobo: please be in better minigames, I want to be on your side so bad. This short lap around Bill’s Ranch is fine, but it only lasts thirty seconds before you’re done, with no reason to ever return. Barely even registers as a minigame.
15. Run Wild
Finally, a game brave enough to ask the real questions, like: What if Rocket League but with dogs and worse? A fun idea let down by Red XIII controlling too stiffly to create any of the chaotic energy you’d hope for.
Still, the novelty is almost enough to save it. Almost.
14. Galactic Saviors
Every amusement park has to have at least one disappointment, and for me, this is the Gold Saucer’s. Thanks to a hyper aggressive auto-aim and bland visual design, this Star Fox-looking shooter bored me when it should’ve been extremely up my alley.
13. 3D Brawler
The cute, chunky retro models rule, and the curiosity of who would show up next was enough to keep me going until the end, but this Punch Out fighter is mostly a drag, held back by unclear timing and an ATB system that slows things to a crawl.
12. Pirate’s Rampage
What do you want me to say? It’s a shooting gallery. No twists on the formula here, just one of the most classic minigames there is. Really the biggest surprise is that you don’t play through it as Barrett—you know, the guy with a literal gun for an arm?
11. Dolphin Rush
Ah yes, the golden rule of storytelling: No adventure is complete until you’ve drifted a dolphin. Maybe the perfect representation of Rebirth’s extraness, Dolphin Rush is a bit too light on substance to place much higher, but if we’re talking charm, then say hello to one of the greats.
10. Cactuar Crush
Cactuar Crush briefly transforms Rebirth into a Dynasty Warriors musou, letting you become death, destroyer of cacti, as you mow down hundreds of those funky lil guys. Both immensely satisfying and a surprisingly useful way to experiment with each member of the party.
9. Crunch-Off
Where Rebirth screams exactly what the entire internet has been screaming for decades now: “Oh my god, Tifa’s abs.” With rhythmic button presses that get progressively faster, screwing up on your road to being the crunch queen can feel devastating. Pulling off a perfect run, on the other hand? Ab-solutely incredible.
8. Jumpfrog
As a card carrying member of the pro-frog council, I have to love this one. Like a mini round of Fall Guys except everyone has turned frog, Jumpfrog manages to make losing funny instead of infuriating. Plus, it features the best song of any minigame here!
7. G-Bike
Gloriously edgy. Pushes the bike segments from Remake into a more arcade direction, with Cloud zipping down a highway on his dieselpunk bike and whacking an endless army of baddies. Screams such 2000s cool that I’m warped back to being a kid drawing depressed Cloud fanart.
6. Desert Rush
Look, sometimes I just like breaking stuff, and as such, I’m simply required to love Desert Rush. A mad dash race against the clock where you have to smash as many boxes as you can, the tight time limit and gradually expanding stage creates a great “one more run” loop while helping you get all your stress out.
The Top 5
5. Chocobo Race
The chocobo have redeemed themselves! This is a remarkably fleshed out kart racer that’s packed to the gills with challenges and rewards. It’s importantly not only about the racing; the real magic comes in the prep work, scouring the world to catch chocobos and find new equipment to give you an edge in the races.
4. Fort Condor
The lane-based strategy game introduced in Intergrade returns as addicting as ever, now with added hero units for some extra flair. Dropping Barrett into the fray after a frantic juggling of the enemy’s endless onslaught feels sublime, and it’s all cute as hell to boot, rendered in low-poly models paying direct reference to the 1997 original.
3. Gears and Gambits
Welcome to Fort Condor for sickos (aka me). Takes the same basic ideas and complicates them a thousand fold with dense menus of AI programming, letting you customize your units however you’d like. It’s intimidating at first, but extremely rewarding to wrap your brain around. And the fact that it’s paired with maybe the most emotionally resonant sidequest in the entire game helps it sing all the more. Here’s hoping for an expansion of Gears and Gambits in part 3!
2. Piano
Look up “FF7 Rebirth piano” on YouTube and you’ll get it. There’s simply no greater pleasure than sitting Cloud down and having him bust out some Dr. Dre, The White Stripes, or old anime openings. Well okay, when I try to do it, he has more of an avant-garde jazz pianist vibe, but the point stands: the piano in Rebirth is open enough that you can play whatever you want, as long as you’ve got the will to make it happen.
And if you don’t? Well, there’s a pretty solid rhythm game packed in there to enjoy instead!
1. Queen’s Blood
There was never any question. A card game about controlling a 3×3 board, Queen’s Blood is so good and so addicting that there were moments where I nearly forgot about the main quest entirely. Sorry Sephiroth, I don’t have time for your plans to end the world, I’ve got a children’s card game to win. Throw in the Card Carnival on top—an entire series of essentially chess problems for Queen’s Blood—and truly my only issue is that there’s not an entire standalone game dedicated to this thing. Get on it already, Square Enix!
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Kurt Indovina
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