9 Kings: A Roguelike City Builder That’s Really About Hurling Stones at Your Enemies

I very much recommend the Steam demo for strategy game 9 Kings, so it’s with no shade I say that I’m using ‘strategy’ here the same way a tube passenger might use a hardback of Ulysses to envelop their novelisation of 2 Fast 2 Furious. Griddy placement and tower defence tactics are involved, but this is primarily a game about launching rocks at dickheads. This is fine by me: launching rocks at dickheads is as solid a premise as any videogame needs to have.

You’ll start off with a 9 square grid surrounding a castle, then fill out those plots each turn by picking one of three cards. Some are buildings, like a cemetery that summons imps to fight in place of your slain units. Some are troops who’ll rush to the centre of the battlefield at the beginning of each round. Your troops fight automatically, but you do have an important job here. I’m not sure if I mentioned it already: it’s dropping rocks on heads. When you drop a rock really good, your dying foes squeak in falsetto anguish like a Lemming opening a devastating phone bill.

I’m being a touch facetious when I say it’s all about rocks and heads. The demo is naturally a stripped-back sample, and even within it, I did start to notice some emerging combos. I gifted a square to some mercenary units early. They grew in number the more gold I had, which meant I could skip turns guilt-free by throwing cards down a well later, since each time I got bonus gold and so more bodies. There’s also plenty of choice in how you expand your original plot, with positional buffs for certain buildings

Steam sez:

“Build up your city into the most powerful of all kingdoms. Through endless combinations of buildings, troops, spells and positioning, find ways to break the game and become overpowered. Grow your kingdom in strategic ways, prepare for dozens of unique events, and show the world your kingdom can last longer than any other.”

If the full game contains lore, I would like to know where the rocks come from. They evidently come from your castle but there’s no catapult or anything, just a void containing infinite rocks and the means to launch them. Gargantuan slingshot? Monkey with strong tail? Hellstorm rock battery? Answers, please, when the full game launches this April.