Borderlands review: You won’t find a better movie to make yourself miserable this year

It’s pretty rare that I walk out of a movie theatre thinking “I truly just wasted 90+ minutes of my life watching that.” Normally, I get something out of whatever it was I watched, be it joy or elation at best, perhaps anger or frustration at worst. Those negative feelings at least mean I’m feeling anything at all, they’re feelings I can work with and talk about. But when I walked out of the Borderlands movie, I think all I felt was… apathy? A general sense of “what was the point”? Which is probably the most damning thing I could say about any piece of art, but calling the Borderlands movie ‘art’ is too generous.

A film adaptation of Borderlands has been in the works since 2015, and a decade later it’s finally here. Who knows what the story was meant to be originally, but what we ended up with was this: Lilith (Cate Blanchett), a bounty talker who doesn’t really seem to care about anyone or anything but making her next paycheck, is tasked by the head of a major corporation to rescue his daughter, Tiny Tina (Ariana Greenblatt). Things don’t exactly go to plan, and instead she sets off on a journey with Tina, alongside Roland (Kevin Hart), the mercenary that kidnapped Tina, Krieg (Florian Munteanu), a big hulk of a man that doesn’t say much, Patricia Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis), a doctor obsessed with finding a legendary vault, and Claptrap (Jack Black), an annoying robot that makes too many insufferable jokes.

For the most part, that’s a strong cast. Both Blanchett and Curtis are Oscar-winning actresses. You’d assume that prestige would seep through into the film. But as Borderland’s lead, Blanchett’s performance feels like one dampened by regret. She has previously explained that she picked up the role to save her from madness during COVID lockdown, but none of that energy can be seen in the finished product. Every single line seems underlined by the fact she’s not really sure why she’s there, and it kind of rubs off on everyone else too.

Hart continues his streak of being painfully unfunny, and he struggles to seem cool at any single moment, despite playing an experienced soldier. Munteanu is giving discount Drax, devoid of any of the charm that Dave Bautista has. Curtis is fine enough, I think. She’s seasoned enough that she can pull off most roles – similarly to Black. That said, he got a single laugh out of me as Claptrap, whereas every other joke failed to land. At the very least Greenblatt looked like she was having fun, even if her days as a Disney Channel actress are still quite clearly holding her down.

None of the characters really have any development, either. I won’t spoil anything for you, but the only change anyone really goes through is Lilith, and as you watch the film, anyone that has played the games will see the big reveal coming from a mile away. Anyone that hasn’t played the games, though, won’t know why they should care, because her development is devoid of any emotion at all – it all drives plonkingly onward because plot needs to happen, not because it wants to say anything about the world. Every other character is relegated to the role of “there to make jokes or be inconvenient”, with plot threads dropped constantly, just to rush to the end. It’s somehow both boring and exhausting.

There must be some saving grace? Perhaps the direction was strong, or the cinematography brought some fun kinetic energy? Nope! At best, every scene is by the numbers – the first time we meet Roland and Tiny Tina (the first characters we see in the film), they’re both framed in a medium close-up, with a classic shot-reverse-shot. Seriously? This is how you want us to meet these characters? Lifeless. Static. It couldn’t be made clearer that for the next 100 minutes would have very little to offer.

Even the action – which you think would take center stage in a Borderlands adaptation – is messy and lifeless. Cuts are frantic, and because the camera is so close to the characters at any given moment, you don’t get a feel for the space. And that’s a crying shame, because this is a film that does actually have some impressive sets, but they’re rarely utilised to the best of their abilities. It all just feels like a wasted opportunity. The world of Borderlands is a fun one, and none of that is put on display in any meaningful form.

After all of this, I just can’t help but ask, “what was the point?” Seriously, I can’t figure it out. I mean, I know the real answer; the point is to make money by capitalising on a pre-existing, popular IP, and cash-in on that summer holiday cinema bump. And boost the sales of the video games, of course. What’s the point in not bringing something new to the table, here: exploring the world of a video game in a new light. That’s what’s helped the Fallout TV show breakthrough to the mainstream, after all.

The Borderlands movie exists simply to exist. There was clearly no desire from any single member of the crew to make something no one else has seen before; the attempt here is to print money. That’s most of Hollywood these days, sure, but this particular film feels like a notably egregious example of such a vapid, creatively bankrupt crime. Don’t watch Borderlands – just get your friend who loves the games to explain to you how they’re really good, actually. You’ll have a better time.