Here are a few alternative ways to phrase the title:

1. "Try out the ‘first major update’ for Schedule I today"
2. "You can now preview the ‘initial full update’ for Schedule I"
3. "The ‘first real update’ for Schedule I is available for testing"
4. "Now testing: Schedule I’s ‘first complete update’"
5. "Get early access to Schedule I’s ‘first functional update’"

Would you like a version with a different tone (more formal, casual, technical, etc.)?

The latest update for Schedule I – the memey baggy slinging simulator that’s actually a deceptively moreish co-op factory game – is now in open beta. It’s named v0.3.4, which sounds like it has deep number mythology behind it, but developer Tyler is calling this the game’s ‘first proper update’. As with his plans for all updates, it’s going to be floating around in a beta for a few days first. You can find the full update notes here, alongside instructions to access the branch.

So, what’s in the update? Let’s crack it open like a lump of bad quality soapbar and see what’s written on the little bit of plastic inside. That is a reference for like, five people, all of whom should know better by now.

• Added Bleuballs Boutique interior and functionality.
• Added Pawn Shop interior and functionality. You can now sell pretty much anything (excluding product) to Mick at the pawn shop.
• Added wooden sign.
• Added metal sign.
• Added wall-mounted shelf.
• Added safe.
• Added antique wall lamp.
• Added modern wall lamp.
• Added grandfather clock.
• Added Ol’ Man Jimmy’s.
• Added Château La Peepee.
• Added Brut du Gloop.
• Added silver watch.
• Added gold watch.
• Added silver chain.
• Added gold chain.
• Added gold bar.

These additions are joined by some bugfixes. The delivery destination dropdown menus won’t overflow outside of your phone screen anymore, and there are a few co-op tweaks. This isn’t everything, mind. “This beta doesn’t quite contain 100% of the features coming in the full release,” says Tyler. “I’ll be adding a few more decorative objects tomorrow. I wanted to get this beta out ASAP so that the new wall-mounted objects and pawn shop interface can be thoroughly trialled.”

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen ‘trialled’ written out? It scans, sure, but it also unnerves me in ways I’m not quite ready to come to terms with. Nevermind that. Read Matt Cox’s Schedule I cosmic horror opus instead.