ranzware
CES is an exciting event because it’s always packed with weird, wild, and often dubious tech stuff, like cyberprisons for tiny anime girls (what?), VR racing rigs that blow wind in your face (huh?), and keyboards where every key is bread (which?).
Naturally, since the past year in tech has mostly been about stuffing AI into every single conceivable device and app whether it’s helpful or not, there’s a lot of AI stuff being shown off at CES this year and that includes a “modular, conversational” full-body robot powered by “custom AI [that] can learn and remember your previous interactions” made by a company named Realbotix.
I’m not at CES myself so I couldn’t meet one of Realbotix’s full-body robots, but the gist is they cost about $200,000 and they’re a waking nightmare. Take a look:
“Our customized AI solutions are tailored to your specific needs, whether for companionship, social interaction, or business purposes,” says Realbotix, though I can’t help noticing the video above starts out with the camera pointed at the robot’s ass. They’re implying you can have sex with the robots, right?
“Realbotix can replicate a historical figure, a celebrity or bring to life our client’s vision for a robot,” the official site says while refusing to answer my question. “Our companionship-based AI makes our robots perfectly suited for the home.”
Perfectly suited for sex in the home?
“Manufactured in the USA, Realbotix has a reputation for having the highest quality humanoid robots and the most realistic silicone skin technology,” the site says evasively. “Robots with a human touch” is the company’s motto. So… sex robots, probably, right?
…reminiscent of the unpleasant spasms of a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic character
Look, I don’t think robots you can talk to (and have sex with, maybe) are a bad idea at all, but the video above isn’t particularly compelling. We’re treated to the robots making odd, jerky gestures that are supposed to be lifelike but are mostly reminiscent of the unpleasant spasms of a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic character during the final performance of an 8-year-old’s pizza party.
One robot attempts to brush her hair back but the movement takes twice as long as a human would, making me wonder if my coffee has been spiked with acid. A second robot attempts an alluring “come hither” gesture that needs a few dozen more iterations of programming fixes because that hand is not moving like a human hand or even an alien hand but like the spiny legs of some skeletal creature you might find crawling in the muck at the bottom of the Uncanny Valley.
And then, for reasons I can’t even fathom, Realbotix takes the robot it’s been trying to convince me is “realistic” and has two burly human arms come in and rip the flesh off the robot’s face. What are you doing, Realbotix? You show me her butt and boobs and French manicure and then tear her face off to reveal bulging yet lifeless eyes, exposed plastic teeth and gums, see-through skull and mechanized brain? The hell is the matter with you?
We need to address the other jumpscare in the video, too—like, what’s with the emaciated old man robot looking at the second woman robot, smiling, then flicking his eyes to me to make eye contact?
What is this supposed to tell me? Is that look he’s giving me suggestive and conspiratorial, as if to say, “That’s right, buddy, I’m just a robot, but even I can’t help but be turned on by this sexy lady robot, too!” Why are the lady robots young and hot but the male one is a gaunt old man? Did Realbotix create a $200,000 male robot just to leer at the $200,000 female robots so they never feel fully comfortable and safe? Have I died at my keyboard and I’m actually peering into Hell?
We may never know, because I’m too disturbed to look into this any further. If you’re braver than I, you can visit the Realbotix website.
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Kurt Indovina
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