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Woof. This is what the villagers look like in A Minecraft Movie, in case you still had any hope left for this one. I’m comfortable saying it’s one of the worst still images from a film I’ve ever seen—many times more upsetting than the pre-delay Sonic face.
There does not exist a suitable crime in California’s penal code to hold Warner Bros accountable for what it’s doing with the Minecraft movie, so let’s just call it sightcrime. I’m sad that a videogame film that should be a slam dunk on the scale of Sonic or Mario is showing all the charm of a moldy potato. I’m depressed at the thought that somebody sat at a desk for hours rendering these foreskin monstrosities.
The pair of villagers appear three seconds into the latest Minecraft movie trailer, and that’s as far as I’ve gotten through the 60-second spot that aired during the NBA All-Star game. That’s not entirely true: I hovered over the timeline on YouTube far enough to see more of Jack Black squeezed into his Steve shirt and Jason Momoa in a bad wig. What a horrid reminder that the whole film interprets Minecraft’s blocky, flat-texture world into hyperrealistic meat monsters (featuring actual humans on a green screen, for some reason). For the sake of comparison, here’s what villagers usually look like in Minecraft:
As you can see, actual Minecraft villagers are ugly in an endearing, Squidward-esque “leave me alone, I’m farming” sorta way. They’re curmudgeons who will begrudgingly trade 18 emeralds for a slice of watermelon, hoping you accept their awful deal. They would never ask for a hug, but wouldn’t pull away from one immediately.
Anyways, maybe the kiddos will dig it. Did you know this thing’s out on April 4? God help us all.
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Kurt Indovina
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