The gritty 90s-inspired GTA tribute, Vivat Slovakia, exits early access this April.

I confess, I’m writing up the 1.0 release date for grubby open world game Vivat Slovakia less because I’m tantalised by the carboot sale GTA 6 aesthetic, than because the latest trailer ends with main character Trotter squatting weirdly on a coffee table. He perches there with track-suited elbows akimbo, smiling faintly. Mockingly.

Trotter aside, the table sustains various piles of money and a bottle of what could be Jack Daniels. The room containing Trotter and the table also contains two high-collared chairs, an expansive, dimpled sofa, and some well-fitted bookcases. There is a dog in one of the chairs, while the sofa is being used to prop up some guns. Sunlight streams through the conservatory windows behind, lending the whole scene the quality of an angelic visitation.

What to make of this? Why is Trotter squatting on a table? His amused rictus contains no answer. Nor is there any catharsis to be found on the Steam page, which characterises him as an undercover cop and taxi driver, making his way through a 10 km² city map based on post-Communist 1990s Slovakia. I feel the need to workshop this bizarre spectacle before I can say anything further about the game. There’s nothing for it – I’m going to have to write a quick listicle.

Seven reasons Trotter is squatting on that coffee table

1. Trotter is squatting on the table simply to free up a chair for his dog. He is doing this because he loves his dog like a child, and considers it a crime against Very Good Boys to ask the beast to sleep on the floor. Still, that doesn’t explain the other, apparently vacant chair and the sofa.

2. The dog is Trotter’s landlord, who has cruelly forbidden Trotter from sitting on people furniture. What more dastardly an archnemesis for “a city that reflects the tumult of an era caught between communism and capitalism”? You can’t quite see it in the video, but the dog is definitely smoking a cigar.

3. Trotter has just been standing on the coffee table to change a light bulb. We catch him at the precise moment of his triumph, settling back on his haunches in the blissful knowledge that he and his dog will be able to comfortably read all the books they please, when the sun goes down. Not for them the terrifying oblivion of Night.

4. Trotter fears you are plotting to take his money. Like a mother hen, he has flown screeching to the table and planted himself defensively atop his riches, ready to claw and peck your eyes out. In a few seconds he is going to seal the deal by urinating explosively.

5. Trotter thinks the floor is lava.

6. Tables are in danger of growing stale, and Trotter is taking them to strange new places. We are witnessing the birth of tablepunk.

7. Due to a fluke mixture of personal deprivation and Walmart’s hijacking of global timber supplies, this is literally the first time Trotter has ever encountered a coffee table, and the sheer audacity of the concept has scrambled his brain. He’s absolutely tripping balls over here. His entire cognitive framework is rebooting before our eyes. His soul is molting like caterpillar.

It’s been a long day, in case you couldn’t tell, and I’m too exhausted by these intrigues to say anything further about Vivat Slovakia, which launches out of early access on 17th April. Nic did a write-up last year and was ambivalent, though he liked the radio stations. You can read more on Steam.